In the News: Shit You Should Know

Welcome back to Shit You Should Know. This is the evening edition because I have a real job now and can’t spend my morning leisurely browsing the internet for Chipotle updates or whatever.

Are you having a happy Wednesday? Let this article on rising sea levels put an end to that.

ALLEGEDLY the oceans are rising even faster than predicted, changing traditional temperature and storm patterns, killing off the polar bears and contributing to a world where pythons and softball-sized spiders live on every continent. OK I made that last part up, but consider the fact that cockroaches survived the extinction of the dinosaurs and ask yourself if it’s really that farfetched. Maybe you’re wondering, “Who cares what happens to the polar bears?” Well first…you’re a monster. But secondly, this quote highlights the interrelatedness of earth’s species and their habitats:

A significant portion of the nitrogen in West Coast forests has been traced back to salmon. The largest trees on Earth simply wouldn’t exist without [them].

Let’s marvel at that together: SALMON GROW TREES. There are fascinating and wondrous and unexpected things happening on this planet and then there’s this next story…

Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston broke up.

What kind of crazy do we think Taylor is? My vote is notebooks-filled-with-her-would-be-married-name crazy. No doubt he stumbled upon an entire library of “Taylor Hiddleston” scribbles and ended it. (His relationship, not his life…although who could blame him?)

Speaking of crazy, an American man who went missing while hiking in China may have been abducted by North Korea to teach English to Kim Jong Un. Let me first say that this report is unsubstantiated per the US State Department. Plus the CNN article begins, “IF true…” which made me laugh out loud. #journalism.

However, I just finished this book on life in North Korea and find this story to be entirely plausible. North Korea is a country that indoctrinates its youth into believing the supreme leader is practically a god, cuts off all contact between its citizens and the outside world, and executes both political dissenters and petty criminals. If David is smart he has taught Kim Jong Un just enough English to keep him happy but not enough to render himself useless. I previously issued a travel warning about the country, but let’s go ahead and extend it to surrounding territories as well.

I don’t really love anything this week except sleep and wine, but here’s a story about a hotline for the elderly to call when they’re lonely. This seems like a good idea. You know what else is a good idea? Calling my grandmother more.

See you next week!

Lori

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