In the News: Shit You Should Know

Happy Friday! We have a lot to catch up on, so let’s do this before we start drinking.

The very first presidential debate was Monday night, and per usual everyone thought Hillary won…except for all the people who thought Donald Trump did. I would link an article highlighting the best moments, but nothing in this election deserves that superlative. So instead, here’s a list of the internet’s most-loved moments. The majority of them belong to Trump, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.

Panera just announced it will start serving “clean bacon” in its restaurants. This prompted everyone to ask, WTF is clean bacon? Per Panera, clean bacon is cured without the use of artificial additives or flavoring. That may seem like a good idea, but there is one GLARING oversight…

Bacon is already perfect.

So in the interest of clarity and transparency, I would like to propose a new headline for this story: PANERA RUINS BACON. Instead of messing with perfection, how about finding a way to add more chips to a serving size? That’s a goal I can get behind.

This is shit you already know, but America’s royal couple went up in flames last week. Angelina Jolie didn’t just file for divorce, she filed with no warning and immediately launched bad dad allegations at Brad. Now he’s “fully cooperating” with an investigation by the LA Department of Children and Family Services over an incident involving his kids on a private plane. As with any high profile divorce there are also cheating allegations and the obligatory hot nanny angle.

I don’t know these people, but this story is sad. And what’s sadder is gleefully calling it karma. (Notably, the karma comment is always directed Angelina instead of the person involved who actually broke his marriage vows.) The Jolie-Pitts have spent 12 years raising 6 kids and contributing time and money to humanitarian efforts around the globe. If that’s not enough to dispel some karma coming at you, then all of our lives are going to be one long punishment for the sins of our past. Just a little something to look forward to on a Friday!

But here’s some good news. It’s finally boot season—otherwise known as Fall. I just bought these beauties and I haven’t taken them off since. Mostly because they require 4 hands to remove and the laces are 3 feet long. Work, gym, sleep, travel. I may start an international incident while holding up the TSA line.

The following story smells like bad breath and validation. Apparently there is very little evidence that flossing reduces plaque. In the words of the NY Times, the studies that do exist are “unreliable.” I for one am so relieved to take this item off the list of things I’m supposed-to-but-never do. Now all that’s left is always removing eye makeup before bed, changing passwords on the regular, and limiting my red meat consumption.

Because unlike bacon and anyone sitting in judgment of Angelina Jolie, I’m flawed.

See you next week. Wear boots, throw your floss away, and have a great weekend y’all.


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