In the News: Shit You Should Know

Welcome back to Shit You Should Know. It’s Friday Eve so time to get your life in order for the weekend.

Kim Kardashian was robbed at gunpoint in her luxury apartment in Paris last week. She’s safe but did lose an estimated $10 million in jewelry, including her engagement ring. Being robbed is awful no matter what, but I have to note that if armed thieves stormed my house right now, I could offer them a 5 year old MacBook, $12 in cash and 4 chicken fingers. I am rich in dog hair though.

My point is…perspective is important. And if you happen to be in the market for a $4 million engagement ring, here’s how to ensure you aren’t buying something originally designed by Kanye.

The Vice Presidential debates occurred this week, and most outlets have proclaimed Mike Pence (Trump’s running mate) the winner. Pence looks like he would play the role of President in a movie about Armageddon, while Tim Kaine resembles the hapless school principal from a 90s sitcom. But that’s not why Pence won. He won due to his calm demeanor, adherence to traditional conservative values, and an impressive ability to sidestep any discussion of Donald Trump—who is running for President. Of the United States. Just in case anyone forgot.

April, of Velvet’s Edge fame, unexpectedly had her baby this week—6 weeks early. The most important news is mom and baby are both rocking a full head of hair. They are also both safe and healthy. You can send her and baby Everly some love on Instagram.

Hurricane Matthew is bearing down on Florida after wreaking havoc in the Caribbean. The storm is eventually expected to hit Georgia and South Carolina as well. Everyone stay safe, evacuate as directed, and keep up with the most crucial information on the storm—like changes to the college football schedule—here.

Not to compound bad news with more bad news, but according to the NY Times, I am as skinny as I’m going to be all year. This revelation has ruined my day, and since I hate suffering alone, I’m sharing it with you. Apparently, Americans hit our lowest weights at the beginning of October, right before a holiday season climb that hangs on until APRIL. Keep that in mind next time the baked goods terrorist in your office brings in pumpkin cupcakes.

On the other hand, break out your sluttiest outfits. Now’s the time.

See you next week.


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