In the News: Shit You Should Know

Good afternoon and welcome back. America is divided this week over events that are monopolizing both the news cycle and your dinner conversation. When something like this occurs, every last one of us must pick a side, and the side you choose could affect the very future of this country.

Of course I’m referring to Kimye vs. Taylor, but first let’s discuss the Republican National Convention.

The RNC commenced in Cleveland this week and continues to offer quality entertainment. Despite much hype, attempts to oust Trump as the nominee failed. Current Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, then gave a speech focused more on party unity than the party nominee. Ryan has been a reluctant passenger on the Trump Train from day 1 so this isn’t a surprise.

Other convention speakers include Don Jr., Trump’s daughter Tiffany who no one previously knew existed, and of course, his wife Melania, whose speech contained plagiarized sections from Michelle Obama’s 2008 speech at the Democratic National Convention. Speech plagiarism is a minor issue compared to, say, human trafficking or the continued existence of oatmeal raisin cookies. But it is ironic that Melania would copy the words Michelle used for her husband’s presidential nomination, since Trump has accused President Obama of being Muslim and believes he was born in Kenya—both unforgivable sins in his squinty little eyes.

Speaking of sins, Ben Carson gave a speech in which he suggested that Hillary Clinton was a supporter of Lucifer. Or a supporter of a supporter of Lucifer. We are now implying that the Democratic nominee for president is on Team Satan. I would swear this was an SNL skit except David Muir was reporting from the scene and looking as out of place as I do at a Vegan restaurant.

Moving on… we need to talk about Taylor Swift, who may or may not be standing on the precipice of her very own Britney 2007 breakdown. She’s feuding with Kim and Kanye over the following lyrics in his song Famous.

I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex
Why? I made that bitch famous

Combined with Taylor’s issues with ex Calvin Harris and her new highly publicized relationship with Tom Hiddleston, I sense that she’s starting to come apart at the seams. When Famous came out, Taylor publicly took issue with the lyrics while accepting a Grammy Award. Kanye fired back by saying she approved them beforehand, which Taylor denied at the time. Fast forward to this week when Kim released a recording of Kanye’s call with Taylor on Snapchat where Taylor says the line about them having sex is “like a compliment.”


“We might have sex” is either hesitance or a threat but it’s most definitely not a compliment. This is the saddest part of the whole debacle to me. Now ancillary semi-celebs are chiming in, like Ruby Rose and Lamar Odom’s wife, and Taylor responded on Instagram with a statement written on the Notes app. Nobody looks good here. This is not usually considered good advice, but care less everyone.

What I love this week: Here’s a food app I would actually use. It offers a range of useful information, like where the product was made, how much sugar is added, and the number of minutes of cardio necessary to burn off the turkey bacon you had for breakfast. It also offers a personal evaluation of your daily caloric needs and protein, carb, and fat allowances based on your height, weight, and activity levels. The app is currently partnered with Whole Foods so most of the available products are organic. So this is very cool for the user who buys organic goat cheese on the regular but not so much for those of us who ate Flamin’ Hot Cheetos for lunch.

That’s it for today. Sometimes the news is fun and some days, like today, it’s a grind, but at least you now have a firm grasp on the merits of Team Taylor and Team Kimye. And if neither of those work for you, there’s always Team Satan.

See you next week.


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