Good afternoon. Hope you guys are excelling at life today. I, on the other hand, fed my dog Raisin Bran for breakfast because I forgot to buy dog food yesterday. In addition to being the model of responsible dog ownership, I also have a hangover. On a Wednesday. Since I should probably do something productive today, let’s get to it.
Warning: what follows is a Bachelorette spoiler. Chad, the most beloved reality TV villain of our time, was kicked off The Bachelorette last night. I am absurdly bummed about this. Yes, he was insane, but wouldn’t you rather watch him than Daniel, who is pretending he doesn’t have a girl tied up in his basement back home? Or Jordan’s attempts to keep his pompadour at maximum height? or Evan feigning a sexual attraction to women?? Fortunately, you can continue to watch Chad grimace and eat cold cuts on his Instagram and Twitter pages.
It’s official. Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic presidential nominee, making her the first ever female candidate for a major political party. Let that sink in for a moment. It doesn’t matter if you like Hillary Clinton or if you’re voting for her. What matters is getting one step closer to telling a 5 year-old girl she can be ANYTHING she wants when she grows up and meaning it. That’s why it’s important to acknowledge this historic moment even if you aren’t staking a Hillary 2016 sign in your yard. Regardless of how you feel about the identity of the first female presidential nominee, we can all agree on one thing: at least it wasn’t Sarah Palin.
What I hate this week: In January 2015, a Stanford student-athlete was caught in the act of assaulting an unconscious woman behind a dumpster by two Swedish grad students. Last week, the rapist, Brock Turner, was sentenced to just 6 months in jail after being convicted of THREE felony counts. This paltry sentence has resulted in nationwide outrage, which means people are finally getting it. Unfortunately, Brock Turner still doesn’t. His written statement to the judge includes an expressed desire to speak out on the dangers of binge drinking and sexual promiscuity. As if that’s what he did wrong. The victim wrote her own impact statement and it is brave and tragic. Read it here.
As for the hero Swedes who stepped in to help a stranger in an awful situation…I can offer you a Green Card and unlimited Raisin Bran. Call me.
What I love this week: Time is the only cure for a broken heart, right? Not anymore. Apparently acetaminophen can reduce the pain associated with heartbreak. And we already know that it reduces the pain associated with hangovers—I conducted my own personal clinical trial this morning. So next time your friend is crying over another failed relationship, drop off 2 bottles of wine and some Tylenol, and tell her to suck it up. Because somewhere out there two Swedish grad students ride bicycles and tackle rapists. Plus Chad is still single.
On that note, I’m off to eat cheese fries and count the number of tourists in American flag shirts at CMA Fest. Have a great week, guys.