Good afternoon, y’all. It’s 70 degrees outside in Nashville and winter feels like a distant, terrible dream. On the other hand, the nightmare that is this year’s presidential election rolls on unabated.
Donald Trump, a man who has earned the endorsement of Russia and has uttered countless kind words about women, made it one step closer to the most powerful office in the world yesterday with wins in Florida, North Carolina, and Illinois. Kasich won his first—and home—state of Ohio, while Rubio was straight murdered by Trump in his home state of Florida. RIP MARC. What does this mean for the Republican primary race? Well, either Trump gets the nomination (probably), or the party manages to force a contested convention. You can read about that process here if you have nothing better to do. (No judgment.)
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about something positive. Like Selena Gomez becoming the most followed person on Instagram. I’m not saying she’s the most deserving of this title and that it shouldn’t go to, like, the Pope or Angelina Jolie or my grandma Louise, but what I am saying is that at least she pried this honor from Kim K’s cold, puffy, manicured hands.
Former sandwich peddler and convicted child molester, Jared Fogle, was attacked in prison this week. Don’t worry (not that you were!)… Jared is slightly roughed up but otherwise fine. His attacker is a two-time convicted armed robber, which just proves that heroes can emerge from the unlikeliest places.
What I hate this week: The Bachelor finale aired Monday night, proving once and for all that Ben Higgins is kinda dumb. He picked Lauren B. over the clearly superior JoJo. His prize is a lifetime of listening to Lauren say the word “like,” so I guess that’s punishment enough.
What I love this week: March Madness technically starts tomorrow, even though the play-in games are already in progress. (Shoutout to the Vanderbilt Commodores who are nothing if not consistent.) It’s not too late to fill out your bracket! Maybe you’ve only watched one college basketball game all year so you’re thinking why TF would I do that? Well, as the former organizer of my office bracket challenge, let me tell you, the winner is always someone who doesn’t have a clue and picks winners based on hottest cheerleaders or their favorite color of blue. So get in there, fill out a bracket, and emasculate your boyfriend.
See you next week!