Good afternoon and welcome back to Shit You Should Know.
Our long national nightmare is over. No, not the election. That’s still marching slowly towards all of us as certainly as death. (Consider this your weekly reminder to vote on or before November 8th.)
I’m referring to Keeping up with the Kardashians, which has finally started filming again. It’s been 3 long weeks since Kim was robbed of $10 million in jewelry and we were robbed of the opportunity to watch the Kardashians stare blankly at each other on national television. It would probably take me more than 3 weeks after being tied up in a bathroom to resume broadcasting my entire life to millions of people, but then again, somebody’s got to replace all those diamond crosses.
Halloween is Monday. Or Friday and Saturday for those of us not spending it trick-or-treating. You probably have your costumes set, but if not, here’s a suggestion. Wal-Mart is stocking ugly Christmas sweaters already. Dress the whole crew in Christmas gear and avoid any awkward who-wore-it-better scenarios. Because the only thing worse than being a cat for Halloween is being the ugly cat for Halloween.
According to the Huffington Post, we’ve been applying perfume wrong. Perfume is kind of a sexy thing, right? You dab it on your wrists and neck before dinner with someone you may want to sleep with. That’s how I thought it worked, but NO. What you’re supposed to do is put it in your belly button. Or armpits. We can all look forward to the new J’adore Dior ads reflecting this latest info.
So there’s a woman running for president, which is sort of cool. BUT we’ve just reached a much more significant milestone in the fight for equality. Women are binge drinking as much as men now. Well done, ladies. Now get out there this weekend and continue to shatter the glass ceiling!
What I love this week: Not baking cookies. I would rather get my teeth cleaned. Or watch a 4th presidential debate. Or, and this is probably the best option, let someone else make cookies for me. I’m obsessed with Hifi cookies right now, and you will be too once you use the code velvetsedge to get 15% off your order. I’m not saying you can’t bake, I’m just saying why do for yourself what you can outsource?
And that’s why I have lots of free time but no money.
Happy Friday, pumpkins. See you next week.