In the News: Shit You Should Know

Welcome back to SYSK. Hope everyone has had a wonderful month. Yes, that’s how long it’s been since I’ve posted. (Apologies.) That means I haven’t written since the country elected Donald Trump to the most powerful position in the world.

Let’s see what the President-Elect has been up to…

    Learning about his new gig from President Obama.

    Raging against the media on Twitter.

    Appointing questionable characters to his cabinet.

    Marveling at the scope of the job in front of him.

    Going back on the campaign trail for personal validation.

    Causing international incidents over the phone.

… So nothing to see here. Let’s move on.

Since it’s the 15th of December and the only Christmas presents you’ve purchased so far are for yourself, I’ve compiled a gift guide for your friends and enemies alike.

1. My first pick is this candle. Much like SYSK, it’s not for everyone. Since the point is to be funny, not mean, maybe don’t give it to your friend going through a divorce or anyone who voted for Hillary Clinton.

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Suggested recipients: friend with benefits, roommate.

2. The R. Kelly Christmas album. There are several Christmas albums out right now, but only one that uses flyin’ on my sleigh as a euphemism for… well you know. While that song is my favorite, don’t sleep on track #4, Mrs. Santa Claus:

“Mrs. Santa Claus, this year will be the year I make holiday love to you for Christmas.” 

Watch out, Santa. R. Kelly’s on his way to steal yo girl.

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Suggested recipients: co-worker in charge of the company holiday party playlist, anyone who uses the word freaky in a sexual manner.

3. (d)ICK mug. Every self-help book encourages affirmations, but some people don’t need to feel even better about themselves. So get them this mug. It says, “I know you better than anyone, and you’re awful”…affectionately.

Suggested recipients: brother, boss, dudes named Dick.

4. Hot cheese gun. Have you ever thought to yourself, I wish I could melt this shredded cheese in a gun and then shoot it all over some tacos? (I know what you’re thinking and no, that is not another R. Kelly lyric.)

Suggested recipients: This is actually for me. I just bought it. But one of the uses listed on the website is cheese doodling so I guess that makes it a kids gift also. 

5. Wrapping paper that says everything you can’t.

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Suggested recipients: Best friend with a sense of humor, the president of your HOA, mother-in-law.

For a traditional gift guide aimed at stable people with loving relationships, you can find Kelly’s here and here

That’s all for today. I’ll resume next week with important world news, like petitioning the Pope for Dolly Parton’s sainthood.

-Lori

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