In the News: Shit You Should Know

Happy Wednesday! I hope everyone is having a productive day, but if you aren’t, that’s ok too. My list of accomplishments so far includes getting my hair done and participating in a fantasy football draft. We can’t all be doctors.

The Justice Department just announced an end to its use of private prisons. As an avid watcher of Orange is the New Black, I know that privatization leads to inedible food, overcrowding, a lack of educational programs and—spoiler—the death of a beloved character.

Ok so maybe TV isn’t real life. But you don’t have to be an expert on the prison system to realize that private prisons are moneymaking endeavors that incentivize imprisonment. As a nation, we should want less prisoners, not more. Free the weed dealers, and keep prison for truly terrible people, like murderers, rapists, and Chris Brown.

Researchers at Johns Hopkins have made the groundbreaking discovery that balding men are considered less attractive. THANK GOD we put that age old debate to rest. Now let’s use our collective brain power to answer some other tough questions… like, are puppies cute? Is guacamole extra? Can you find real love on reality TV??

The next bachelor was announced last night, and it’s a surprising choice. The new leading man will be Nick Viall, two-time runner up on the Bachelorette and the only man in history to be traumatized after getting used by a hot woman in bed. Any girl who signed on for the next season must be a little apprehensive. There’s nothing less romantic than being the recipient of some asshole’s THIRD marriage proposal on national television. Except this. 

What I love this week: The story of an FSU football player eating lunch with an autistic middle schooler. According to the boy’s mother, her son Bo usually eats lunch alone. Read her response if you feel like crying in public today.

See you next week.

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  1. “Free the weed dealers, and keep prison for truly terrible people, like murderers, rapists, and Chris Brown” hahaha! Your posts put a smile on my face every week!

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