Welcome back guys. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I’m sunburned and ate at least 4 hotdogs. Yes, that’s a humblebrag.
For the 3rd year in a row, Starbucks is raising prices between 5-30 cents on certain drinks. (I assume the price increase is in direct correlation with the number of dairy and sugar substitutes inflicted on an innocent latte.) Before everyone freaks out, let’s put this in perspective. Even the highest price hike of 30 cents only amounts to an extra $9 over the course of a month, and that’s if you go to Starbucks every day. Which is ridiculous. Because on at least one of those days you’ll be too hungover for coffee.
The FBI just announced that no charges will be brought against Hillary Clinton for her use of private email servers during her time as Secretary of State. The director of the FBI made the announcement, saying that while intent couldn’t be proven, Clinton and her staff acted recklessly and mishandled classified information. As many have pointed out, intent is not needed in order to bring charges—just negligence. So if the outcome of the investigation seems fishy AF, I feel you. Of course there would have been tremendous pressure to not indict the presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee. Regardless, if the sentient blob of clay who’s running for the Republican party is smart (is he?), this problem will follow Clinton for the remainder of the election.
In other government conspiracies of the week, the FDA is warning people about the dangers of eating raw cookie dough. The same press release exposes the risks of drinking multiple alcoholic beverages and swimming in natural bodies of water. So everyone please stay at home, eat broccoli, and live forever in a bleak hellhole of your own creation.
Michael Phelps just became the first American swimmer to qualify for 5 Olympic Games. Dude is basically a man-fish hybrid. Congrats to him, but sadly, this Games will likely be his last. Not because he will be too old in 2020 but because Rio keeps presenting us with terrifying new biohazards.
What I love this week: A woman received an unsolicited dick pic (UDP) after posting a RESTAURANT REVIEW of all things. UDPs are never okay but this is even worse than normal. Context matters so here’s a comprehensive list of the appropriate times to send a dick pic:
1. She asks for one.
That list is as long as… well you know. But thankfully this woman is brilliant so read her hilarious response here. (Much like SYSK, that article is not safe for work.)
See you next week.