In the News: Shit You Should Know

Good afternoon and welcome back.

The closing ceremonies for the Olympics are this Sunday. I would offer a recap of the games so far but I don’t really want to. So here’s an updated medal count instead.

The following story is the most American thing ever, except that it’s happening in Italy. An Italian lawmaker proposed a bill to jail vegans who require their children to follow the same diet. The basis for the law is that veganism is deficient in nutritional value for growing kids. I wholeheartedly support such a bill, but not because I have any knowledge of the (de)merits of veganism. Instead I’m concerned about the kind of person who will never let a child eat a chicken nugget. THAT should be the focus of feed-the-children commercials. All my money to a charity that champions universal access to chicken nuggets.

Regardless, there are lots of questionable teachings parents pass down to kids, like the left lane isn’t just for passing, or evolution is only a theory, or visors are appropriate headgear, so maybe we shouldn’t be picking on vegans.

Gather ‘round. I want to tell you a love story. A Queens, NY man couldn’t bear the thought of his girlfriend visiting Guyana and potentially rekindling a relationship with her ex-husband. So he did what any man would do to prevent his love from leaving the country: called in a bomb threat and had her arrested. Awwwwww. I don’t even have to tell you that they’re still together, because of course they are—this is the kind of love that comes along once in a lifetime. Never settle…for a guy who won’t commit a felony for you.

I’m currently writing this from the Detroit airport during a layover. So if SYSK is extra salty this week, it’s because of the two screaming British kids behind me. One of them is named Thea, and they are definitely vegan.

What I love this week: I watched the entire season of Stranger Things on Netflix in just a couple of days, so obviously I loved it. But I think I love this rap tribute to Barb even more. If you haven’t seen Stranger Things yet, put it on your list of things to do instead of fall in love or have children. (That shit will get you arrested.) Then come immediately back here and watch this video.

See you next week.


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