In the News: Shit You Should Know

Guess what, you guys? It’s National Wine Day! I wasn’t sure of the date so I’ve been celebrating for, like, 143 consecutive days, but TODAY IS THE DAY.

And if you’re getting on an airplane anytime soon, you may need a glass or two before takeoff.

Coming in second this week for worst things to happen on an airplane is the story of two tarantulas found on a flight from the Dominican Republic to Montreal. The tarantulas weren’t discovered until 4 hours in when one of them crawled up a passenger’s leg. If Shit You Should Know was a drinking game (it is), this is when you’d finish your wine.

In related but more tragic news, an Egypt Air flight from Paris to Cairo disappeared last week with 66 people on board. Sadly, the wreckage from the crash has since been located and now starts the process of determining what happened. Early reports of an explosion have not yet been substantiated, so right now the possibilities are terrorist attack, pilot error, or mechanical failure, but perhaps we should investigate the potential of a coordinated tarantula invasion.

Did you know that Rio de Janeiro means river of shit in Portuguese? OK. That’s a lie. But maybe Brazil should consider a name change to more accurately reflect the state of the country’s natural bodies of water. While reports on the extensive pollution were coming out as early as last summer, what is news is that, two months from the start of the Olympics, there has been no improvement. Rio’s water is still essentially raw sewage. Zika by land; Adenovirus by sea.

There’s a weed Keurig in development that will soon be available in states where marijuana is legal. The machine uses small, single serve doses of marijuana that are heated to the perfect temperature and then the vapors are inhaled by the user from an attached canister. This is the yuppiest way to smoke pot ever. But my dream car is a luxury soccer mom vehicle and I favor restaurants with elaborate wine lists so no judgment. Just keep it out of the hands of little Wells and Lily.

What I hate this week: This article in the New York Times slandering breakfast. Despite commonly held beliefs, apparently there is no definitive proof that people who eat breakfast are healthier than those who don’t. Which, whatever. To me that’s not the point. So what is the point?

Bacon. The point is always bacon. Except when it’s nachos. What are we talking about again? Oh yeah, breakfast. Anyway, eat breakfast or don’t eat breakfast but I’m unsure why anyone would choose the latter. I would call those people sociopaths except that would be offensive to sociopaths.

What I love this week: Bill Cosby will face a jury of his peers for drugging and sexually assaulting a woman in 2004. This is just one of approximately 50 accusations by women who have had similar experiences with the comedian. Cosby’s lawyers seem to think we should feel bad for putting an almost blind 78 year old man on trial, but all I feel is regret that he won’t have to look at this woman’s face when she testifies against him.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend, but don’t forget the reason for your day off.

Now go enjoy the second most important holiday of the week.


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