In the News: Shit You Should Know

Welcome back to Shit You Should Know. This will likely be my last column, because I’m going to win $1.5 billion tonight.

President Obama gave his final State of the Union address last night. The President’s comments were both optimistic and reflective, as he spoke about his regrets from the last 7 years and what he considers the nation’s most significant challenges for the future. The New York Times has an informative summary of the speech itself, but all anyone’s talking about is Michelle Obama’s mustard yellow dress. PRIORITIES, amiright??

Alabama football won the national championship for the 4th time in 7 years Monday night. High points were the much-talked about and perfectly executed onside kick and Lane Kiffin being left at the stadium by the buses. A huge congratulations to Alabama fans, who not only won another title but also have a reason to go on.

Ten American sailors were detained by Iran after mechanical problems caused them to wander into Iranian waters. The men were released early this morning in what could-have-but-didn’t become an international incident thanks to Iran reacting with its typical sensibility and restraint.

What I hate this week: The golf ball sized EOS chapstick that is suddenly everywhere. I received 5 of them in my Christmas stocking this year. Not to sound ungrateful, but they don’t do shit. Plus the orange one smells like the final ten minutes of a hot yoga class. Being ineffective was cause enough to trash them, but apparently some users are breaking out in rashes and blisters. On the significant chance that you don’t win the powerball tonight (because I’m going to), you can join the class action lawsuit and maybe get enough money to buy new chapstick.

What I love this week: A 19 year old girl from Virginia lifted a truck off of her father to save him from a fire, then hopped in and drove it away from their house before it exploded, all while sustaining burns to her hands and feet. Superheroes are real, y’all.

See you next week (probably from my new private island).


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